January 27th, 2014 – Chicago, IL – Newcomer Polar Vortex announced today in a press conference that he is proud of the work he has done so far in North America. The Winter Wonderland that Vortex has established across much of the Midwest and Eastern United States has been successfully implemented since the start of the new year, and its effects are quickly spreading.
Mr. Vortex was quick to apologize to those whose lives were made especially more difficult by the weather, particularly garbage, postal, and emergency workers. These associates, he maintained, are an integral part of life in the current weather system, and should be respected for their hard work.
Vortex is the first successful businessman trading in cold weather to hit the scene since Arctic Outbreak’s four-day business venture in 1996. Mr. Outbreak retired early, leaving very large shoes to fill; Polar Vortex has stepped up to the challenge, and exceeded all expectations, particularly in light of recent global warming concerns.
Mr. Vortex foresees huge profit margins for his Winter Wonderland debut. These profit margins, he assured, are beneficial to everyone affected. Mr. Vortex outlined the benefits of the cold weather, including cancelled school classes, extended work deadlines, and, of course, the aesthetically pleasing ice that has formed on every imaginable surface. He noted that the inimitable Heat Wave, an increasingly frequent figure in the global marketplace, is not his business rival so much as his mentor, and he hopes their individual projects will bring about a greater national appreciation for the other’s work.
At the close of his statement, Mr. Vortex revealed that he had even received a personal letter from Disney CEO Bob Iger, thanking him for the marketing potential he has created for their hit animated feature, Frozen. Vortex hopes that he will continue to receive such positive feedback as his current endeavor continues.